After about three years of chronic illness I have finally learned to admit when I'm not doing well...I have finally learned to admit that to myself, as well as to others. And yet, even when I am spending the day in bed being useless, because I do not have enough energy to get up, I feel guilty, because I know that I can get up and force myself to do things if I really needed to, while I know that other people are so very sick that they cannot even do that, and while others around me suffer weakness, and yet push on, I don't--I fail.
Often I feel so lazy when I am just being still, I can do, but I would much rather just be still, though if I had energy and generally felt well, I would consider my current actions as lazy...I suffer the guilt of a useless life. I do not like being lazy, I am a doer, I like to keep busy doing things useful, productive, helpful, and enjoyable. I'm a fixer, if something is wrong, I want to fix it, I want to make unpleasant or bitter situations all better.
When you lose motivation to do even little things, life becomes very hard--at least between your two ears. It is not that I have really lost ability to do things, I still can do them if I needed or really wanted to, but being in a weakened state, physically and mentally, I have no will to--but unless you have been in the midst of such a situation, that may not make any sense.
I have become one of many conundrums that I cannot "fix".
However, no matter the difficulties and challenges of the myriad of situations that fill and make up our lives, I know that God has his purpose and reason for providentially bringing to pass that which He does. Even if that means I am stuck, day after day, in the same personally changeless situation: low blood pressure, a constantly pounding, pounding, hammering heart, that beats with such fervor that it moves my entire body, a foggy mind, often not clear enough to be employed with edification, tiredness, aching joints, and a listlessness brought on from lack of energy and interest. Sometimes "climbing that next hill, take more faith than I have will"--a lot more.
"I am shut in so that I cannot escape," (Psalm 88:8b) This is very true in some ways, so that I must wait, I must learn patience, and I am not a patient person.
"But I, O LORD, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you." (Psalm 88:13)
"On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased" (Psalm 138:3) I know that this will yet be true, I believe by faith, though it has yet to touch me.
"For though the LORD is high, he regards the lowly, but the haughty he knows from afar." (Psalm 138:6) I am in a lowly state, but even there the LORD takes care for me! What a loving God! Preserve me from haughtiness and grant me humility.
"Though I walk in the midst of trouble you preserve my life;" (Psalm 138:7) Though for what reasons I cannot imagine, as I am not a useful personage...
"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands." (Psalm 138:8) That is why: whatever His purpose for me, He will fulfill it.
They key to maturation is teachableness--maybe in His maturation of me, all of this is to make me a teachable soul...
He is LORD. He will fulfill his purpose for me. Amen.
So, that was my post.
May I say my dear friends, that chronic illness affects more that just one's physical body...it affects their deepest being, the soul of their life as well.
Good days, bad days, we all have them. This was written apparently on one of my bad days...
I think I must have simply wanted to share...the frustrations, the confusion...There is so much that no one sees or knows about that goes on within a person. Not just me. Not just people with a chronic illness, but all of us, you included. I do think it is particularly challenging for people with chronic illnesses like Lyme, because often they look fine to the observer's eye, and the tongue and mind function in such a confused and disabled manner that it is very difficult to explain in a coherent fashion the difficulties and challenges of things like "brain-fog" and will-less "malaise". Lyme etc. is more than fatigue and joint pain, it inhibits the mind in many areas...Often times people with Lyme etc. are told they simply need to see a shrink, but that is not the case. Though there are psychological effects, there are physical and biological causes for these symptoms, both the physical and the mental, and seeing a psychologist is not the solution, healing the disease is.
So if you ever meet me, and you ask me how I am doing, I would be surprised if I told you, "Oh I'm fine!", or "I'm good." That is something that I have ceased to say, for it is not true...I will more likely tell you that I am "okay", or "doing alright", as that more accurately describes my state of health...Though I really should respond, however I am feeling, with "Better than I deserve!" Because how true that is!
Please take us seriously, even if you can't or don't understand some of the things we say, or our mannerisms, ect. We are sick, we are working on getting better, we are working on being able to be normal again...So please bear with us. And please do not perceive this honesty as complaining, for there is a difference between admitting illness and it's inhibiting effects, and complaining. I by no means desire to be a complainer! For I know that I am very blessed, and I well know, that there are many to whose figurative "shot-gun wounds", I have merely a "paper cut"! Thank you for your support and prayers!
And might I add, I am getting better, by God's grace and mercy! I certainly still have my up days and down days, days when I actually have energy, and other days when I experience more symptoms, but in general, my health is better than it was this time last year--Praise God! There is still a long and tedious road of healing before me, I'm not to there yet, but by God's grace I will get there some day!
Thank you again, to all of those who pray for us!